When to use Statements vs Questions (something we can learn from improv beyond “yes, and…”)
If you’ve read any book on communication, sales, relationships etc. you know that “ask more/better questions” is common advice.
In particular, we’re often advised to ask more open-ended questions in order to better understand a situation or someone else’s perspective.
As a facilitator, I’ve seen the power of questions. A single question can change the trajectory of a conversation, or even of a life. Questions create space for uncertainty and inquiry, they have the ability to be subversive in a way that feels safe enough to explore. The right questions (and follow through) can show that we care and pay attention, and they can make people feel heard.
But, with all this advice to be asking questions, I’ve been reminded this past year about the power of statements and how a statement can sometimes play a similar role, and even feel more collaborative at times.
This really struck me when I signed up for an improv class, and noticed how debilitating it could be to my scene partner to ask a question during a scene.
It flipped my world on its head a bit, because I had always thought I was being kind and generous by asking questions, but in this context it was actually selfish. By asking a question instead of contributing, I was putting all the work on them to build the world.
My realization was this:
🤚 Sometimes, we hide behind questions. We ask questions and put the work of answering on others. Questions can act as an attempt to transfer ownership.
🕵️ Sometimes, questions make others feel interrogated, regardless of how you say it. Improv is just one clear example, but think of any situation where you are expected to be collaborating and contributing equally.
🙅♂️ Sometimes, questions signal a power dynamic, and can be interpreted as you saying you are in charge or you disagree with the other person.
Alternatively, statements can be gracious and appreciated at the right times. Statements can sometimes be a more direct way to own how you feel about something or share information that reduces uncertainty for others and makes them feel more comfortable working with you.
Three types of statements I’ve learned to use more across all kinds of communication are:
🌍 World building – This is basically a “yes, and” statement where you build on something they’ve said. It is generative riffing, think of the mind space of brainstorming where you are contributing something additional to the conversation.
🗣️ Situating – Sharing what I’m feeling or thinking and “why”. This sounds obvious, but sometimes a conversation is blocked because of someone else’s assumptions about where you’re at. Providing more information can be helpful.
🔍Observations/Labels – Sharing observations or reflections about things they’ve said or done. “I noticed that…” “It sounds like…”. This accomplishes the same thing as questioning, but can feel less invasive sometimes.
Another lens to look at this through is how communication and the responses we choose exist on a spectrum from Inquiry to Advocacy. On the far ends of the spectrum behavior ranges from curious and non-judgmental open-ended questioning (inquiry) to strong or dominating statements (advocacy).
You can map these out into quadrants if you want to get really granular or analyze your own communication style in different situations.
The point is, every situation will have a different dynamic and expectations attached to it. Trying to understand the other person’s expectations and goals and your own can help you decide what to do.
